


words we try to say

by juneedes



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII
Genre: M/M, One Shot Collection, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:34:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21935311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juneedes/pseuds/juneedes
Summary: I could lie awake just to watch you breathe//and you left me more dead than you'll ever know
Relationships: Zack Fair/Cloud Strife
Comments: 5
Kudos: 51





	1. Have I Told You

**Author's Note:**

> Uhhh, Merry Christmas?
> 
> A not-so-Christmas fic based on the song [Have I Told You](https://youtu.be/pBXf6z7gxF8) by Matthew Mole. 
> 
> Also a bit of practice on something without dialogue.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You are the puddle of mud  
>  In the pigsty of my life  
> And I hope that you know what I'm trying to say to you  
> I guess that I love you_

It started in the little things, Zack thought.

Maybe it was the uniform, that simple blue that complemented his eyes. Or the green scarf he sometimes wore outside of work; that smelled so much like him, Zack's always tempted to steal it away whenever he gets wind of an extended mission or whatever time period with the two of them separated.

Maybe it's the hair, that golden yellow sunshine. It certainly was a happy sight for him around dreary Shinra. That is, whenever Cloud does take off that damned helmet.

And when he did so (in the middle of patrol, even!), then maybe it's the way he stopped to sing a thing of mystery and haunting melody with a stranger in the streets.

  
By then it started to be in the bigger things.

Such as the way Cloud spoke of Sephiroth in more recent days... years? It's less of deep hero-worship and shaky determination to be what Sephiroth's marketed to be. Less of the unsure tones and self-deprecation. Now it's more of simple admiration for the man (for he is simply a man; they all are) and a bit more confidence in his path of still becoming just as strong. 

  
(Zack would like to tell him every time that he thinks Cloud's already strong as is, but then Cloud would never believe him. So Zack settled on telling him that he's well on his way there.)

  
Zack, in turn, loved that change, for it paved the way to more between them. The little prank war they started. The easy banter. And the smiles. Goddess, Zack would kill for that smile. It could make his heart fly and be at ease at the same time and it's just beautiful like the sun finally shining from behind his namesake to grace the earth with its presence.

Then there were the rare nights when _he_ seeked Zack's presence and invited himself over. Zack does that to him many times over, it's only fair (heh) to return the favor. 

And Zack just knew he's already too far gone for Cloud while he crunched on food Zack had stashed away and then agreed when Cloud wanted to break curfew with him for an extra hour in the training rooms.

  
Zack paused in his confession, briefly imagining Cloud's reaction; the blush that's sure to paint his cheeks if he did hear it. And Zack desperately hoped he could hear it. If not to return his feelings, then perhaps as a reminder of all the wonderful things in him that Zack's now missing. A small prayer that he'd still be himself even after everything. 

  
(But he wouldn't know now, would he? Cloud's still unmoving.)

(Unmoved)

(...)

(Please wake up)

(Please)

(Please)

( _Please_ )

  
Then softly he whispered some of the things he wished for after. More smiles, to start with. And laughter. Maybe some of the old songs he started teaching Zack. Or maybe they could make a new one together, of worlds he saw in his com-- current state. Some dreams. Zack hopes they're good dreams, a bit of comfort for him at least.

He hopes Cloud doesn't dream of SOLDIER. He feels bad denying another of their dreams, but he doesn't think they'd (or him, at least) be welcomed back with open arms and be back in the business as it were. Nor does he want to go back to that hellhole after all they've done. 

As for where they're off to afterwards, well, Zack had no idea. Anywhere would do. Whatever it is they will be doing, too. So long as Cloud sticks around in this shit life they apparently had, Zack thinks it would make up for everything.

  
For now...

For now, to heal. 

To Midgar.


	2. love love love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _And those bright blue eyes  
>  Can only meet mine across the room  
> Filled with people that are less important than you _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on [Love Love Love](https://youtu.be/beiPP_MGz6I) by Of Monsters and Men because of those particular lyrics in the summary relating to the fact that they're SOLDIER and trooper.
> 
> But then listening to the whole song made it explode into something along the lines of "what if Cloud was aware of stuff while he was unresponsive" and so on...
> 
> ...especially at  
>  _And I think it's best that we both forget_  
>  Before we dwell on it

Cloud wanted to scream.

Scream and cry and just... anything. Anything but this limbo he woke up in. He would have considered it merciful if he woke up in the Lifestream instead of being stuck in his own body like this. But he always had the worst luck, hadn't he?

And he's a _burden_ , again.

Even so, Zack—sweet, loyal Zack uttered no complaint as he hauled Cloud with him into the world, seeking the truth and answers and perhaps a future for the both of them.

Even when he's obviously breaking Zack's heart with every passing day with him unable to respond to anything. Zack would hold Cloud's chin up and check if Cloud would actually meet his eyes. Cloud does, even admist the green clouding his vision, but Zack doesn't. Most times he'd just squeeze and hold on to Cloud's fingers when he couldn't bear to see Cloud in the state he's in, always hoping to get even a twitch in return. 

Cloud tries and tries and tries.

It's worse when Zack had to leave him for hours. And that went to the both of them. Zack would always try to linger, refusing to let go of Cloud, but eventually, he really had to leave. Be it for food, supplies, or meeting their pursuers head-on. Then Cloud would be left alone, beside himself with worry and frustration for being unable to help.

The worst was when Zack returned with injury or some heavy revelation that darkens his demeanor. And that's when Cloud would beat himself up over what happened even though he has absolutely no idea what's going on. Because what Cloud does know was that he could have covered for him, could have given him some spark of hope then, but... but _nothing_. Cloud's still sick, Zack is practically on his own, and they're both hurt in the end.

It all comes to head, sometimes, and Cloud would desperately wish Zack would let go. Leave him one day and never look back. Forget about that nobody dragging him down and may very well be his ticket to capture or—

—or death.

But Zack would never—

He'd never do that. Not to anyone, and especially not to Cloud. He's made it clear to him, some days and some years and many forgotten evenings ago. He's still making it perfectly clear as he let Cloud savor the warmth of his tight embrace.

Even as his body occasionally wracked in pain and quiet sobs, Zack had never once let Cloud go. 

And Cloud knew he wouldn't.

Until it's the only thing he could do so Cloud could live on.

For the both of them.

  
Cloud screams.


	3. Dark On Me//Let It Die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I could lie awake just to watch you breathe//and you left me more dead than you'll ever know_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoo boy, hello! I'm alive~
> 
> Chapter based on Starset's [Let It Die](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJtBYAKBByk) and [Dark On Me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yntDx4Y4baw).
> 
> Uhhhh..... enjoy?

Cloud's still alive, Zack realized in relief as he checked Cloud over. There's a pulse, an even enough breathing after Zack helped him recover once out of the damned tank.

But he's still unresponsive. If that wasn't telling, his eyes were open as if awake, but their gaze unseeing and a sick green over the more familiar blue Zack remembered his eyes to be.

Mako poisoning.

He barely processed all the new info before Cloud's eyes clear for a precious few seconds. Then all hope Zack had of Cloud being better than he thought was quickly dashed when Cloud's body jolted and he screamed.

It's an irregular occurence.

Zack cursed when another scream cut the silence. He immediately stopped walking and maneuvered him and Cloud to the ground. He's getting better at this, though he shouldn't be too happy about that.

He held Cloud close, trying to ease what he can of the pain, muffling the screams. He tried talking him through it, talked about the good days, their friends, their dreams... Just enough to keep them going.

"We're going to Midgar, Cloud. There's, there's someone. She'll probably know how to help you. Then, we could do anything you want after, okay?"

Cloud can't seem to hear him.

  
Cloud eventually became better enough to form words.

 _He should be better,_ Zack convinced himself, _he's talking!_

"Zack... hurts....."

The overwhelming relief that Cloud's still there drove him to tears.

But despite the elation, Zack could only beg apology after apology for Cloud's pain. Of course it's the first thing he said. It's possibly the only thing he could register after... after Nibelheim. And Zack couldn't help, couldn't take away the pain, couldn't protect Cloud. He couldn't even stop it all from spiraling into this mess in the first place.

"But you're gonna be better Cloud. I know you will. I, I promise I'll make you better."

  
"Hurts... so much."

"I know. I'm sorry."

  
"Zack... go... leave..."

"Don't worry Cloud, I'm not leaving you."

How could he? Cloud's possibly the only one he has now. He continued talking to Cloud, kept up trying to connect with Cloud somehow. He kept pretending Cloud would be there just following along his words, react, _anything_.

"Stop..it."

"We're stopping," Zack agreed. He's getting tired, too, they could use the rest.

There's a frustrated grumble before the pain tore at Cloud again.

"M'sorry," Cloud mumbled one night. It's quiet enough that Zack almost jumped out of his skin. It's even stranger that Cloud's not screaming his head off from the pain, but then, he's been screaming a lot less, lately. It's some progress.

Or maybe he's too tired—too weak to even give voice to the war inside him.

"M'sorry," he repeated.

"Hey, s'nothing," Zack assured, gently holding Cloud. "You're doing better Cloud." Except he's too still; his hand's too cold, his breathing too quiet—

"Cloud?"

Cloud sucked in a large breath as if to brace himself from what he's about to say.

"Promise," he rasped. "Be safe."

It sounded awfully like a goodbye. No, no, no—

"...'ll be okay."

He's losing Cloud, he realized.

Cloud tucked himself into Zack's shoulder, the way he usually did (before) to hide from the world. This time maybe to hide from the onslaught of tears falling from Zack. Maybe to hide his own tears.

Zack couldn't do anything but hold him, and hold him tight like all the nights before.

(Like _before_ )

Be Cloud's pillar of strength that he always tried to be for the last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...my hand slipped.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
